this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
