I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
