OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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