And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
