everyone is single if you try hard enough
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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