You work out of a Hotel?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
