If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
