I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
