just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
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he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
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Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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