so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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