Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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