I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
