I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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