You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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