so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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