last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
