my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
