how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
