how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
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i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
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For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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