if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
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I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
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The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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