Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
