Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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