living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Randomize
