I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
