This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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