I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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