that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
