Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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