ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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