Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
