i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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