He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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