will power is for people who don't want to get laid
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
