She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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