i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
