I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
