Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
