Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
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The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
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Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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