Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I checked into jail on foursquare
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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