Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
