Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Randomize
