He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
