I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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