Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
