does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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