hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
