omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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