I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Enjoy the penises
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
