the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
