Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
