Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
