I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
