I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I wish they made helmets for livers.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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