I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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