So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
