Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
