Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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