Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
