Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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