I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
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I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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