First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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